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Whene’er I inveigh:
To “Eat your heart out.”
I’m challenging you.
To do it no doubt.

I may say it bitterly
I mean it quite literally.
I mean it quite Honestly.
I mean it, no shit-terally.

Un-button that shirt,
And wipe off the dirt.
Don’t proffer objections!
Do you wear a skirt?

Relax there, now, Chum.
Don’t you turn and run.
Would I lie to you?
You might find this fun!

To master such trade
Step out of the shade.
You’ll need lots of light
And a surg’cal blade.

No Betadine prep!
Just skip past that step.
Antiseptics wont
For prev’ntion of Strep.

Infect’ns ne’er addle
The corpses of cattle.
So why would you saddle
Our business with prattle?

Mites dine where they’ve chose.
Whilst flesh decompose.
Dead men cannot scream
With worms up their nose.

Septic wounds, I’ve sussed,
Will ooze out some puss,
Mucus, blood, cheese and
Synovial thrush.

But quake not your heart.
(It soon to be et.)
T’will be freshly chewed
Then you, freshly dead.

Now back to our blade:
Tis ready to cut?
Incise north to south
From sternum to gut.

You’ll next need a saw
That doth oscillate
Within thirty sec’s
You’ll breech the breast plate.

Retractors to stretch
Wide both sternum halves.
Look down now you’ll see
Your heart free to have.

You won’t need a rasp.
Just a twist in your grasp.
Snap! Fibers unbind
And sinews unclasp.

Now, should it produce
Noxious malodor,
Slake it all down with
A can of soda.

Chew it up quickly,
Slurp down past your grin.
Soon you’ll feel sickly;
The room starts to spin.

Oh, what a fine mess!
Observe the progress
Of your very final
Digestive success.

Staggering now as
A drunk peg-leg sail’r.
Arms flailing wildly
To reach your inhaler.

Now’s a bit late, To
Reverse the process.
Accept thus your fate
Don’t croak in distress.

Will swallow you first.
Next, the loss of blood.
Thou shan’t die of thirst.

Peace bringeth thee to
Thine self with this feast.
So, bring on the worms
And bring on the yeast!

No! Stop! You young fool!
You’re making me shiver.
Would you’ve also obeyed
Said I: “Jump in a river”?

I was only kidding.
Did not e’er mean it.
Just being curious
As I’d ne’er seen it.

Twas only a joke!
Should I not have spoke?
Tsk! You’re just TOO dumb
Should’ve let you succumb,
And just let you croak.